Clueless in the UK

To be perfectly honest, my heart just isn’t into this. I’ve been working on this entry for two or three days now. I am totally jet-lagged and have not been finding a good source of caffeine in the morning, which is how I usually recover from this. Today I found a Starbucks near where we’re staying, so there is hope.

Anyway, back to Friday, our first real day here. On Friday we decided to head to Hampstead. I had to pay the rent and the kids had to go to Sports Day for their school, which is still in session for a few more days this year. So we got off the bus walked up High street past our soon-to-be street, and I told the kids, “OK, this is going to be your walk to school!” Madeline’s response was, “We have to walk up hill to get to school!?” Boy did she have no idea how much walking was in her immediate future. Neither did I.

But that’s what happens when you get lost on the way to an 800+ acre park pretty much surrounding your new community. So, yeah, we found the Heath but it was the wrong part of the Heath. The problem, I now realize in retrospect, was that Sue and I didn’t bother to read the directions the school’s receptist emailed us.

Anyway, we were walking in exactly the wrong direction when Sue decided to ask a nice woman for help. She pretty much knew we were in the wrong place and that where we needed to go was a long way away, but didn’t have the heart to come right out and say it. While Sue was talking with her I saw a woman walking by with her son who had a tee-shirt with the school’s name on it. I said, “We’re new to this school, can we follow you?” and she said, “I’m lost, but sure!”

Sue chatted her up for the next 30 minutes of walking mostly down hill, then up hill, then down hill and then we were there. So, yeah, Madeline was complaining about the 5 minute walk to her school that involved some uphill components and then we went on a tour of the Heath for 30 more minutes. By the time we had got there I had done more walking than I did all last month. Little did I know that I was going to do that about 4 more times today. I feel like such a walking stud but when I got back home I didn’t think my muscles were any bigger or my flab any smaller, so I am really confused and disappointed, and re-evaluating whether I should get a car or not.

Anyway, I left Sue and the kids at the race track and park and then walked back up the hill to see the apartment we’re renting. I went to find Hugo, the guy who showed me the apartment in the first place, and we got in touch with Mr. D’Arcy to find out why he hadn’t ever signed the rental agreement and sent it back like he said he would. Between shots on the golf course he was able to FAX the copy to us, which made me feel better about the stupidly large check I was about to write him for a year’s rent. It’s good Hugo pointed out that I should get a bankers check which for some reason I hadn’t thought of myself.

But before I went to the bank I had to walk back down the hill to bring Sue and the kids some food for lunch, since we hadn’t thought that far ahead. Took me 20 minutes of brisk walking each way. By now my legs are bursting from the seams of my formerly loose Levis, what with my new found muscles.

So when I went to my bank, which is just around the corner from where we will be living, I asked this very nice young lady if I could get a bankers check and she said sure, and then when I showed her the amount she said to come back in 30 minutes and she will have it signed. I went to investigate cell phones during that time, and when I got back she made me answer a few more security questions on my account. I was unsure of one of them until she said that it may have been my mother’s maiden name, which lately I have been having trouble remembering - or is it my own name I can’t remember these days? Anyway, she handed me a piece of paper and asked me to write down the answers to three questions, and she looked them up on the computer as I was writing them down, and I swear she was rooting for me, holding her breath as I filled out the form, because when I handed it back to her she said, “Yes! You’ll be approved!” and she tried to high five me through the glass. Then she said, “Are you buying a house?” When I told her it was for rent she nearly fell off her stool.

Meanwhile, Sue is with the seriously jet-lagged kids, who are maybe running in races with their soon to be new classmates. I had to walk back down the hill with more bottles of water to replenish them, and then we walked back up the hill so they could see their future home for the first time. Only then did I remember that this is the first time I have found a house for Sue (and now the kids) to live in without her first seeing it. (Hugo said I’m a brave man.) The only other time I did this was in 1991 when I found the house we were renting when we got married, and back then Sue’s sister came along to give me moral support.

Anyway, the apartment looked smaller than I remembered. Clearly those pictures I snarfed for the blog were taken with a wide WIDE angle lens. Still, smaller is perhaps easier and cheaper to furnish. The place is not in perfect condition like I remembered, far from it actually, which makes me feel better since my kids will probably trash it. Smaller … is easier to furnish. The kids rooms are quite small, super small, but I think big enough for a bed and a couple other things. Our room is fine. Frankly the guest bedroom is the nicest but don’t get all excited about that. We’re not feeling very social at the moment
While I was running around, Sue met just about everyone in Madeline’s future class, memorized their names, their children’s names, etc. Typical.

That evening we at at that place I thought would be my kids’ future favorite restaurant. Jason didn’t like the pasta and Madeline didn’t like the hotdog. The guy serving us apologized and tried a second time with Jason, this time with pasta and just cheese. When it came back I knew there’d be trouble because the cheese was a little clumpy. Ok, just get this - at the end of the day we were not charged for Jason’s multiple attempts, and since Madeline clearly did not like her hotdog the guy didn’t charge us for Sue’s latte. What is up with that? People like us could put a restaurant like his out of business! Luckily the world is full of kids not as picky as ours.

I was never this picky growing up, right Mom?

There’s more to say but I think I better start taking pictures since clearly all this text bores the hell out of you Americans.

When we first decided to move to London we thought we better tell Madeline first, let her freak out about it, then calm down, and then we’d tell Jason about it and he’d look to Madeline to figure out how he should react.

So we told Madeline and she got a big smile on her face when we told her all the countries and places in Europe we would be able to visit. A little while later in our conversation it came out that she wouldn’t be going to her old school anymore. That hadn’t occurred to her at first and as soon as she realized that she burst into tears. Once she calmed down, took a few deep breaths, and a couple of hugs later, she said:

Will … wi … wi … will I still have recess?

Yes, that’s what 8 year olds worry about when you uproot them and move them to a foreign country with zero warning.

Jason took it well but it’s hard to figure out whether he really gets it. He has a great, huge kindergarten class with lots of friends and it’s tough to leave that behind, frankly. So anyway it’s hard to tell how Jason is doing, but the night after the two big parties at our house last Friday, Jason was completely sleep deprived from two super late nights. So he woke up in the middle of one of the nights and started flinging things off his bed: sheets, pillows, stuffed animals, etc. I knew he was sleep deprived but I thought something else was going on so I started asking him about things and I asked him about London, which I think was fresh in his mind as he had just spent the past two days saying goodbye to his classmates and his cousins. Anyway, in the middle of our chat this is what he said:

I DON’T WANT TO GET AN ENGLISH ACCENT!!!

and then started crying the most heart-felt sobs. Hahaha. You just gotta love it. While I assume that’s not his only concern heading out into the great unknown, I think it is up there. He’s obviously overheard us talking about how he will end up with an accent, and he’s afraid people will laugh at him or something. Anyway, I told him, “It’s up to you if you get an English accent.” Once I said that he got that relieved smile laugh that he usually gets when he’s so tired and so happy to see his pillow. I guess that makes me a liar but … it was the middle of the night and I was trying to get back to sleep asap.

Jon: Hey Sue! I just took some cool pictures of the kids!
Sue: What were they doing?
Jon: Oh … um … playing with fire …

Actually, that’s not all they were doing, but mostly. Anyway, this article is clearly not about the UK except for the fact that we were hanging out with the cousins for one last sleepover before heading to the UK … so it’s sort of related. It’s much more related to this entry in my frackme blog that I think I am going to phase out.

Anyway, check out what you can do in Aperture Priority Mode on a Canon digital SLR camera, in this case the Rebel Xt.

The basic idea is, If you’re in Av mode and the flash is on, and it’s kinda dark outside, the camera will evaluate the exposure as though the flash is not on, set the timing appropriately, and then will fire the flash in order to light up the subject in front. So this allows you do see the background and the subject at the same time. Often when you use the flash in Auto mode, the background is dark or black and just the subject is properly exposed by the flash:

Here’s another one with some motion blur. You can see Madeline in the front, and a ghost of Colby in the background on the right. I think he’s a ghost because the flash barely reached him. He must not have been standing there the whole time.

This one is even cooler I think:

I still have a lot to learn about flash photography but at least these pictures didn’t catch me by surprise when I took them!

It occurs to me, as I type, that I don’t actually have the signed lease back in my hot little hands. It is possible that Mr. D’Arcy is scanning the web for blogs about living in the UK, and when he finds my previous entry, will he (1) smile, (2) cancel the rental agreement, or (3) monitor my blog for the foreseeable future to find out about all the mishaps that occur in his property?

Once the lease is signed I think I am going to go into to “Traveler’s Remorse” mode in a serious way. Ironically, it’s because of the awesome party we had at our house this Friday. We had one from noon until 5pm for Madeline and Jason’s classes at their school, and then we had an evening one for everyone else. (If you didn’t get the evite, don’t take it personally …). Here are some pictures that capture the daytime party:

Swimming fun for everyone …

The highlight was the water balloon fight ….

And the humongous slide …

Anyway, I had a great time. It meant a lot to me that everyone came. In our seven years in this house, a house we bought in part because we thought it was a great party house, we have not thrown a serious party like this ever. We’ve had a few families over but nothing big like this. And what a great house it is for that! I never loved our house this much, now that we’re leaving. Typical.

I don’t have any pictures of the evening.

Apparently I had a lot to drink but I really thought it was only 2 or 3 glasses of red and 3 glasses of champagne. But when Uncle Steve left the party with his son I apparently said goodbye to them both, but later I had no recollection of the event. And the next day Steve said, “I don’t think you knew who I was when we said goodbye!” which is amusing if not astonishing. I did have a lot on my mind. Just getting around to everyone was so difficult - it reminded me of our wedding.

Anyway, to all who came, it meant a lot to me that you took the time to show up. At the very least, the fact that you all showed up makes the chances of our coming back from London in the middle of March with the excuse: “Wow - it sure rains a lot!” much less likely. Too humiliating. Had just a handful of people showed up I could have lived with the ridicule.

As far as I know nobody was hurt during the whip demonstration. And I’d like to apologize to the 5 or 6 kids who yelled “Me! Me! Me!” when I asked if anybody wanted to have a try. It pained me to turn them down, but I was sober enough not to want to have to explain to hysterical parents that I wasn’t expecting them to take their eye out, that the worst I had experienced so far was a scar on my inner thigh, a bruise across my face, and a burn/bruise along my right arm. As far as the target practice was concerned, my excuse for not hitting the target was that I could not see my whip anymore it was so dark, and so I didn’t know how to adjust after each attempt. As for the re-enactment of the Raiders of the Lost Ark sequence, I can only say that I am deeply embarrassed that I even went there.

Speaking of embarrassment, if there is one thing I hope to accomplish with this move, it’s finally getting the European cheek kissing thing down. It took months of observation before I figured out that it’s right cheek and then left cheek. Not knowing that has caused me all sorts of trouble in my life, including kissing one of my friends’ mother on the lips. Ugh. Last night I started out OK but then started to lose it towards the end. I apologize for being so inept. The other problem is what to do with my hands. I can’t tell you how many times I have accidentally copped a feel while performing this act. Do they have classes for this kind of stuff, or do most people just pick it up after the second or third try?

When we last left you, we were hoping for the chance to beg Mr. Darcy for forgiveness for trying to negotiate with him. As the days went by I became more and more convinced that we had lost the place, and I started looking into other options.

Because we had nothing to lose, Sue called the letting agent to find out what was going on with that property. We found out that the property had been under contract with a family in the USA but that the deal had just fallen through because that family was no longer relocating to the UK.

“Things that make you go ‘Hmmmmm’”.

So I composed the following letter to Mr D’Arcy:

Dear Mr. D’Arcy,

I am sorry that we have not heard from you since my last email. I can only assume that you did not like my offer, although I would have expected that you would reply to that effect rather than just ignore my message.

I am currently operating under the assumption that you don’t want to rent your apartment to me and my family and that you have found somebody else. If that is not the case, please feel free to contact me at this email address or phone me.

JP

Is it just me or does that sound like a letter out of Pride and Prejudice? All I need to do is introduce phrases like “tricks and strategems” and “such avarice!” into my dialog and I’m there baby!

Of course I already knew that his deal had just fallen through, so I was feeling rather clever when I wrote it. But to be honest I was pretty sure I was never going to hear from him again. However, the next morning I was greeted with the following response from Mr D’Arcy:

Dear Mr. Payne

I was away on business at the latter half of last week and unable to reply until now.

…

I don’t think so!

Anyway, this past week I have been up in the middle of the night, several times, trying to communicate with people in London. Jens and Neguine told me about some very important issues surrounding paying taxes in the UK, and I have hooked up with Price Waterhouse Coopers. I still don’t understand all the issues but it basically has to do with keeping three kinds of funds - capital, income, gains - separate at all times, so separate that if the funds actually look at each other while crossing paths in the bank’s network, you’re screwed. So all I need to do to accomplish this is create five bank accounts, apparently.

Anyway, while I was up one of these nights I sent mail to Mr. Darcy and he phoned me right back! I was very polite as I explained that it was 3am. He was very apologetic. But the best part about it was, He was actually a normal person. He sounded like a regular landlord and we had a nice chat and I told him it was good to hear his voice because now I was no longer afraid of him.

Since it’s clear pictures are worth a thousand words for most people (or just 100 of my words), here are some more pictures of our new place to be.

Starting with the first floor, we have the kitchen as seen from the dining room/living room. You’ve seen this picture already.

Here is the kitchen from the other end, by the door. You can see the dining room and patio off in the distance. Check out the stove. 6 burner gas stove with fancy vent, which makes our stove in California look like what it is - a joke:

Somewhere in the above two pictures are hidden a washer and separate drier. That’s even more amazing than the large fridge! But … I cannot find them in these pictures.

OK, moving on, this next shot is of the reception room on the first floor, looking across at the dining room table over the back side of the couch. You can see the patio a little better from this angle:

Now moving to the second floor, this would be your guest room if you come for a visit. Your bed, should you chose to stay with us, is more likely going to be an air mattress, so don’t get too excited. In fact, you might want to bring an air mattress with you… It comes with its own ensuite bathroom:

This room is a family room, also on the second floor. It has a gas fireplace, which is nice and clean burning but otherwise one of the most stupid ways ever to heat a house:

This is the other side of the family room, where we’ll make a small office and perhaps add a piano, which is how we have it set up in our current house. Too bad my drums won’t be making the trip across the pond:

Finally, here is the master bedroom on the third floor:

Sadly I have no pictures of the two kids bedrooms also on the third floor, but they couldn’t be more perfect: two equally sized children bedrooms with their own shared bathroom at the top of the stairs.