Clueless in the UK

I think the connection between London and the US has gotten faster in the last couple of days. That's something to celebrate in a serious way.

In London it's beautiful, Bay Area-like weather, and has been all week. Sunny, blue sky, 75F, and then cool at night. What more can you ask for?

Oh man, it's fading fast. I had all sorts of good stuff to say.

Plus pictures. We've been to the Lake District and York in recent weeks, when my Mom was visiting. We had a school Sports Day where instead of coming in first like last year I came in 3rd and then 5th (an outrage).

It's sunny and warm in London and I am sad we didn't just spontaneously invite some friends over and just share some wine and dinner and let the kids run wild outside in the neighborhood.

Meanwhile, I am finally legal to drive in the UK now. I took the test, and I passed it. First the theory, then the practical. I almost had a perfect practical test (you are allowed 15 minor mistakes, but you can fail with a single major one) and I had 0 minor mistakes but there was this one pesky thing involving a mini-roundabout which he told me at the end he could have failed me for. Still, he decided not to, which is good because I would have kicked his ass for it. I think I benefitted from the nice weather this week. Puts everyone in a good mood.

Damn Foreigners

I met a woman today on the TUBE who needed help getting her bag down a huge number of stairs (which I had climbed up two hours earlier). I asked her if I could help and she said, Thanks! She was an older woman and she was moving to France because she has had it with this country. I couldn't get all the details out of her before we had to part ways on the underground, but apparently everything was great until all the Poles came.

Last week my driving instructor's father (also an instructor) was complaining about all the Jews, as we were driving through a particularly Jewish part of town. Just out of curiosity I asked him if he knew how many Jews there are in the world? I mean, think about their contribution to society, their prevalence in the world today, their impact in the past and in the present? He said, "About 1/3 of the people?" Thank you Jesus, I thought to myself, as I told him, "Well, actually, no, they are about 0.2% of the population." Luckily I was the one driving, as my instructor almost had a heart-attack when I told him that. It's definitely food for thought, don't you think?

I've met other people who don't like England anymore. One person said that he thinks we (Brits) should not be ashamed of our history like we are now. We were strong, we had colonies, we don't need to apologize about it! While he might have been tongue-in-cheek about that, I think he was very serious when he said he thought this country was all wrong now. I am not sure I disagree to be honest.

Which is how a lot of Americans feel about their country (our country - don't worry, we're not THAT far gone yet). How much we Americans feel that about our country is about to be determined, and sadly it could go either way at this point. Mind-boggling, but if the Ds cannot get their act together and if they actually lose this coming election, frankly it's time to find a new … party.

Poor Jonathan (or should I have said Pour?)

My right-wing nutcase friend Marty left the country yesterday. I am sad about it because he was my drinking buddy. We'd go to the pubs and rip into each other about the pros and cons of the NHS, or Fox "news" and George Bush, etc. They moved back to the States and it was the right move, but the buzz around my kids' school with all the mothers is, "What's Jonathan going to do now?" Can you believe it? I'll probably do what I normally do, and write some computer programs or build some websites. Or read some books. I have read so many books this past year, it's freaky. Sue gives me a book and I read it, then she gives me the next book and I read it, too! I got a book on Judaism as a recommendation from my original right-wing nutcase friend, and after reading it I thought about converting to Judaism, as the most sensible of the nonsense religions out there. Of course, that's just after one book. I need to read one on Christianity (and I am thinking of C.S. Lewis) but I think that's going to be very hard to stomach, especially if the Judaism book was at all right about some of the things it said: faith is more important than your actions in Christianity, the opposite in Judaism. I am reading these as counter-point to my personal bibles: God Delusion and (even better) God Is Not Great.

No offensive to my believing audience.

The book on Judaism has really helped me understand appreciate the final season of Battlestar Galactica, which is all about monotheism and passing off all your sins on another being, who is elevated to God status by an increasing percentage of the population.

I can't believe Marty escaped the country without my whip demonstration. I mean, I took the time to bring my bullwhip across the pond, how come I didn't show it to anybody!? The answer to that might be more obvious to a sober man, but I had a chunk of beer and wine to drink tonight because it's SO NICE and WARM out!

The original title of this post was going to be, "It's the dishes, stupid!" but I cannot remember why I thought that made any sense at all.

We're (maybe) famous.

See, Whizzgo called me up (the car share company we use) and asked if we would like to do an interview with a local television program called "It Pays to watch" which is a show about saving money. I'd never heard of it because I don't watch rubbish television anymore, and all television in the UK (even the public-subsidized BBC) is utter rubbish. However, I said yes, because I wanted to redeem myself from my various public appearences, whether on television or just in front of the entire company, which were so bad that I continue to have nightmares about them 10 years later (or is it just 5?). I warned them I might suck, but they didn't believe me.

When the day came it all worked out quite well. The camera man dude was cool, and we hit it off, and I started relaxing. The girl interviewer chick looks like Demi Moore in person and not nearly as hot as Demi Moore when actually on television. I really scewed up when I asked her during a relaxed moment of heightened confidence, "Are you the same woman I saw on the web version of the show? Really? You are? Did you lose weight?" Once a loser geek, always a loser geek. Can you believe I said that?

We spent 5 hours together. I demonstrated how to use the car. I drove 500 meters and picked the kids up from school in the car, with the camera running the whole time. The kids came out of the school with me, with all their friends in the main entrance of the school inside yelling with excitement and looking through the mail slot on the door. Out we went, got into the car, first the kids, then me, "Don't look at the camera!!!!" and then, "That was great! Let's do it again, I screwed up …" so back into the school with all the screaming kids, and back out again after we wiped the smiles off our faces, and this time we got all the way into the car and I drove off down the hill and parked in front of my favorite pub which coincidentally is (1) the one where the cameraman's parents used to love to go when he was a kid, and (2) where I like to go while I am waiting for the kids to get out of school, with the main advantage being it has a perfect view of the school's front door.

Of course, I used to go there with Marty and those days are over. Sniff sniff.

I went there yesterday and the bartender said, "Your friend is leaving!" And I agreed with him, and reminded him that the last time I was in the bar he accused me of being a communist. And while I was sitting in the bar a complete stranger sat down next to me, held out his hand and said, "Hello - I am your kids gym teacher!" Which was true, but the last time I saw him he had not shaved in a few days. I should have recognized him.

Back to the Whizzgo/It Pays to Watch story … The best part is, This past wednesday I got a call from Whizzgo saying, "The show's on tonight at 7:30!" So I, being the dork that I am, sent a text message to 6 friends and one relative saying, "Check us out, the whole family on television!" So we decided to go out to dinner, I had three glasses of champagne (I had passed my drivers tests that morning, so lots to celebrate) and I told the freakin' bartender, who was very friendly with our kids in the bar, that we were going to be on television! In fact, and I realize this is a side-story, but so what: when he was pouring my second glass of cassis, I looked over at him, and made the universal "KEEP POURING!!!!" sign with my hand, and he burst out laughing and filled it all the way to the top for me.

Anyway, we went running home with minutes to spare, and after the introduction to the show at the very beginning it was quite clear that we were in fact NOT going to be on that night. So I watch the whole show anyway just in case, and Marty is texting me saying, "WTF?" and at the end of the show our friend Joe texts me and says, "Well, at least I learned how to save £1.24 on a loaf of bread!"

So I figured my record of 100% editing room floor was left intact by yet another attempt at redeeming myself. The last and most devastating time I was left on the editing room floor was when I was interviewed by Nova!!!! I thought, "I grew up watching Nova with my Dad, and nothing would thrill him and me more than being interviewed on that program!" And I answered all sorts of technical questions along the lines of "What is a virtual machine?" and "How does Java work on all computers?" and I thought I answered them so well, because I explained them in a way any idiot could understand (it takes one to know one, don't ya know?) and even the guys interviewing me and filming me broke out in applause at one of my incredible answers. But to no avail: chopped and left on the editing room floor.

Anyway, I wrote the producer of the show whom was at my house for 5 hours, and she said that the whole think came out great, and that we will be on the air on the 21st of May. So, stay tuned. It could be huge. So what if it's Channel 5 and not BBC 1?